Too bloody perfect
by mrsgeorgeweasley48
Summary: In which Lancelot is too perfect and has a big gay crush on Merlin, who is of course oblivious and Arthur is jealous but doesn't realise it. Pure Crack, slight Lancelot bashing.


In where Lancelot is too perfect and has a big gay crush on Merlin and Arthur is jealous.

It all started when Merlin was attacked by the Griffin and Lancelot had saved him. He'd felt obliged to help him out with his slightly unrealistic dream of being a Knight of Camelot. Lancelot had been extremely grateful, or at least he was in the beginning…

* * *

"Arthur" Merlin called. Arthur turned his head at the sound and rolled his eyes when he saw his manservant waving enthusiastically at him, a wide grin on his face. He abandoned his training to jog over to him and was surprised to see a very handsome man with him.

"This is Lancelot, you know, the one I was telling you about" he clarified. Arthur groaned inwardly in recognition. Bloody Lancelot. Merlin had been banging on about he should let him be a Knight. ("As if being a Knight was that simple" he'd replied to which Merlin had retorted "Well you do it" and then Merlin had found himself dodging things being thrown at him.)

"Ah yes" Arthur said evenly, "I believe Merlin has mentioned you." 'Mentioned' being the understatement of the century.

To Arthur's great delight, Lancelot had failed the first test and no matter what anyone said, Arthur was not being unfair and was certainly not jealous of the way Merlin was cheering Lancelot on. He decided to send Lancelot to work in the stables.

After Lancelot had reached basic training, Arthur found himself very impressed by his skills with a sword. Of course, this made Arthur dislike him more. Lancelot was perfectly perfect with a side of perfect. His was thick and lustrous, his face was perfectly formed - even his teeth gleamed pearly white. Arthur hated him on sight. Well, tried to but Lancelot was so perfect that it was almost impossible to hate him. Arthur had spent days trying to hate him but it just wasn't happening. He was now looking out for a flaw, that's all Arthur needed - just one flaw, one tiny thing that Lancelot was bad at. So far? Nothing.

This definitely had _nothing_ to do with the fact that Merlin had been spending all his time with Lancelot yesterday and according to Gwen, they were sharing Merlin's room. Arthur's fists clenched at the thought even though he certainly wasn't bothered by this and really, Merlin could bugger whomever he wished as long as that person was Arthur and only Arthur and, now Arthur felt he was getting a bit off track. Where was he? Oh yes. Bloody perfect Lancelot with his shiny hair and his bone structure, although not as nice as Merlin's bone structure which was also quite lovely and ooh, Merlin did have nice hair too. Arthur imagined it to be very soft and thought of running his fingers through it which made him smile like a lovesick puppy.

Arthur sighed. He may or may not be in love with Merlin.

* * *

Things were getting a bit weird now. For one thing. Lancelot kept looking at Merlin for long periods of time and standing very close to him. He presented Merlin with freshly picked flowers almost daily. He even stroked his hair yesterday. Not to mention the strange conversation they had had this morning when Lancelot had said in a low, husky voice "Merlin, I would like to share your bed." Merlin had been very confused at this and replied "What do you think you've been doing for the past few days?" Lancelot had simply shook his head and left. Merlin walked into his room to find Lancelot sprawled out on his bed in a odd way. He felt very confused, maybe Lancelot was injured?

"Lancelot, are you hurt?" he asked, sitting on the edge of the bed, concerned for his friend's wellbeing.

Lancelot jolted up, his face very close to Merlin's. "My love, the only thing that hurts is my heart?" he said softly. Merlin was extremely worried now.

"Maybe Gaius has something for heartburn?" he suggested, moving to go and find the physician but Lancelot grabbed his neckerchief and pulled him back down towards the bed.

"Merlin, I cannot deny my feeling any longer - I pine for you. I can't look away from your beautiful eyes." He leant up and took Merlin's face in his hands.

"Er thanks?"

"I long to kiss the perfection that is your face." Lancelot stroked his cheekbone.

Merlin blinked. "…"

"I have written poetry about your cheekbones."

"Lancelot, this is a bit weird."

"Do not be afraid petal, I am going to train and when I return I shall make sweet, sweet love to you." With this, Lancelot placed a sloppy kiss on Merlin's lips who sat, frozen in place until Lancelot drew away.

Lancelot left and Merlin, extremely terrified, ran to find Arthur. He burst into Arthur's chambers who looked startled at the interruption.

"Lancelot..he…pines for me…sweet love….help!" he blabbered. Arthur just looked at him and raised an eyebrow that could challenge Gaius' in question.

Merlin took a deep breath before bursting out, "He wrote me poetry", shoving the parchment into Arthur's hand.

Arthur read the poetry and by the time he'd finished, he felt tears welling up at the beautiful words. Even his poetry was perfect. _Snap out of it _he thought, before he violently ripped the parchment up and shouted, "For God's Sake - even his poetry is perfect" and proceeded to wring his head in his hands. Merlin was concerned. Everybody had gone a bit loopy.

Arthur swallowed, "Do you return Lancelot's attentions?" he asked quietly, looking at the floor and dreading the answer. Merlin made a noise of protest which caused Arthur to look up where he saw Merlin emphatically shaking his head. "You don't?" he exclaimed, "But he's...perfect?"

"I know," Merlin groaned "That's the problem." Arthur must have looked bewildered because Merlin continued, "Too predictable and...boring, you know? Praising me every second and telling me how wonderful I am, that's pretty much the _opposite_ of what I find -" he stopped quickly, glancing at Arthur who looked very smug.

Arthur did a little inward victory dance of glee before remembering the problem at hand. "Do not fear, I shall see to Lancelot tomorrow and tell him to leave you alone" he said chivalrously, feeling very much like a knight in shining armour...which he kind of was as Merlin being Merlin had completely ignored the fact that he was still in his armour.

"Really? Oh Arthur, thank you so much" Merlin said, breathing a sigh of relief. Merlin's face was thoughtful for a moment before saying with a smile, "You know something really unexpected? He was such a bad kisser."

Arthur's head whipped around and his eyes had a predatory gleam in them. "A bad kisser you say? " he asked seductively. Merlin nodded, a smile playing on his lips.

"Well, this is interesting. Tell me Merlin, did you know that I've been looking for something Lancelot was bad at for a while. Something…that I can do better than him." His voice was thick with suggestion.

Merlin moved closer. "Is that so?"

"It is, and since you tell me Lancelot is a _bad_ kisser, I'm going to have to test if I'm better or not." Arthur said gleefully. "Is that okay with you Merlin?" Merlin licked his lips and Arthur took that for a yes. He lifted his hand to cup Merlin's cheek and gently lifted his head closer to his own. His lips touched Arthur's and, oh dear lord, there were actual fireworks in Arthur's belly. He smiled against Merlin's lips and Merlin's tongue touched his lips, demanding entrance. Gladly, Arthur submitted and moved his lips against Merlin's, their tongue's dancing together. He pushed one his hand through Merlin's hair to the back of his head, holding him close and the other made it's way to Merlin's back where Arthur pushed up the fabric of the tunic, revelling in the soft skin he found there. Finally, a need for oxygen became necessary and they broke apart panting, lips swollen, hair tousled.

"I think I prefer Lancelot" Merlin commented, with a cheeky grin. Arthur's indignant face was too much to bear and Merlin let out small peals of laughter, before pulling Arthur back to him and claiming his mouth for his own.

THE END.


End file.
